Miss you papa


I need a closure desperately but “closure” is not possible. There is an escape, hiding, lying, running away but never a closure. I need to start writing again, and I cannot do that till I get this once piece out of my system, I have to, may be it is moving on, or trying to move on…what ever it is, I am giving it a shot.
Exactly a year back, on 17th March 2012 my life turned upside down, and will never be normal again. I put up a smile and walk, I live my life, yes I laugh and have fun too, but, there is a constant hollow that the subconscious mind is aware of …at back of the mind the scary fact remains, that – he is not there…he who loved me more than anyone is ever loved before, he loved me the way no one is capable of loving me again, he loved me because he accepted me the way I am, he loved me – Selfless – unconditional.
This is story of every father and daughter, may not be new about how father treats his daughter, but this is new to me, as this is not about father and daughter in general, it is my father and I his daughter. This is my story…hence unique to me.
He raised me as an equal to my brother, not once thinking that I was a girl, infact was a bit more liberal just so that I or he do not question it. I have not done anything that helps him chin up,  saying  I was his girl…but for no reason he was proud of me…that’s a father – simple 🙂  He would cover my mistakes from my mom,  protecting me, when I would visit my parents, he would make me breakfast, no matter how much I insisted it to be other way round. He would put extra cheese and butter on my toast – “oh papa I am trying to lose weight”, “nothing will happen” he would say and sprinkle pepper and salt !!! I like tea with my morning toast, but my mom would have left milk for me before leaving for school, dad would quietly make tea for me and gulp the milk down, knowing perfectly what I wanted. This was his way of telling me that he loved me. (and this was a routine till the end as recent as 1yr +).
He is someone whom I had enough chats and discussions with about life in general, he is the only one where I would share all my feelings I would find a match, he would tell me fearless “Guinea, you are blessed not to have children, today you have only one problem of not having children, but if you have, your life is full of problems till you live” he said that not coz he regretted he had two children or that he did not loved me , he said that “because” he loved me. He knew I am a weak soul like himself, and I would break many times in life,  probably like he did looking at me in trouble so many times…
Where do I get that friend back from?  who understood me and I could talk this stuff with or many other things that I shared with him. Big or small, I always shared, and this fact ??? “fact that my dad is no more” is too big for me not share with him -this is tooooo big in my life, and first person I want to talk this to is him, but how? I want tell him how my life is without my father, how I feel, how I miss him…when I shared smallest of things like music, update on friends, my art, stupid day to day talks…I sure want to talk to him about this, it is too huge for me not to share with him…how can he not know this??? Call me crazy but I do feel like this.
He loved me unconditionally & accepted me how I was, good or bad, I am his daughter…period….he never judged me. He gave me strength to face this world, when I had gone into a shell once, unable to face the world, he pulled me out hating that his daughter was hiding from the world, walked withe me shoulder to shoulder saying, “tell the world to talk to me if they have any question for my daughter”.
He made me the free minded person I am, for he was this beautiful free minded soul, the purest and most beautiful person I or my family has ever known. I am glad he has passed on his passion for music and hand for sketching to me. He has also given me his irritating (to many people around) habits , of not breaking rules, fighting for the right, standing stubbornly and foolishly for what you think is right, no matter if you come across as a fool !!! Yes I do look like a fool to many around me – but I don’t care, coz I have been raised by him, trained to stand for what I think is right, speaking the truth and be honest, open, on the face. Most importantly he taught me how to care. If God made more people like him, the world would be a much better place.
I have locked him in one corner of my mind fearing to open that door, for if I open it, floods of memories will come out, which would take me wildly with its flow and there is no coming back from there. No, I cannot forget him, it is not possible, time is not a healer too…you just learn to live with it. The wound is there, behind that locked door, which when opens accidentally, it drowns me. Different people find different way to deal with it, I have taken the escape route…running away from his memories or anything that reminds me of him…I fear the moment when there is a leak from behind that door… I cannot handle that.
Its been a year, more years will pass by, we will be busy with our lives we will laugh, smile, play , plan,  work, but that locked door remains, it is now a permanent part of of me and there is no escaping that…I will wake up tomorrow morning and go to work all smiles…the smile is genuine but so is what they dont see …  the image of the locked door constant on my mind…
There are two more such doors that I am aware of, in my mom and bro’s minds !!! We all have our own memories locked behind…we three are aware of each others locked doors too, but we don’t speak, we don’t talk, we just know its best left alone.
We miss him, every day , every moment in our own different way…and I do too, like I said, this is my unique father and daughter story…the father that I knew and the daughter he loved more than any human is capable of loving someone…that is how my father loved me, his daughter…
I miss you papa.