Do not know where to begin, there is so much to say, so much to talk and share, so much to confess, so much to ask…………………

I do not know when and how I got into this maze, how I landed here and how to get out, do not even know if I want to get out. All I know is that what I feel today gives me so much of pain, it hurts till the core of my soul, it feels that the volcano inside will burst any moment breaking me into pieces, the lava giving the discomfort has to come out, if I want to survive I have to let it out, or I will melt into the heat of it, will be sucked inside and will never be able to come out, never be able to look into this world with the normal eyes again, if I do not break out now I will never be able to be me again, will not be able to cherish those small things that mean so much to me …… the chirping of the birds, the first drop of the rain and the smell of sand, the early morning dew on the leaf, joy of the kids playing in the field, cat chasing a mouse, breeze over the ocean ……..none…… all this will mean nothing to me, it will kill all the feelings I have within, it will kill the human in me, but…….yes ….there is a but…….but what one may not realize is that with this pain one feels, is attached that pleasure, that feeling of content, the joy of comfort, the beauty of togetherness, the frustration of longing ness, the completeness of oneness – of loving and be loved………and the pain itself…….as this pain is that one source that is giving me the reason to smile and be happy.

It is a fight between today and tomorrow. To safeguard my tomorrow, am I willing to sacrifice the joy of today, the joy that I cherish the most, that joy without which I will not be me, that joy if taken away I will become empty inside, that joy without which I will loose the meaning of life……that joy which gives me a reason to smile…smile when I am alone, smile when I am asleep , smile even in sorrow…….am I willing to give it all up???? Am I ???? for the fear of tomorrow…..that tomorrow which is not known, for the fear I do not know what it holds for me , all I know is it will take away every single thing I have today, the joy, the happiness the smile………….it surely is a choice between today and tomorrow. As this today, leads only to that tomorrow I dread so much, which gives me shivers when alone, which scares me in my sleep, which I know I cannot face in reality.

Either I give up the today, stop living and walk towards the safer tomorrow, or be willing to die tomorrow and keep living today to the fullest, as long as it lasts……………………

 

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